It Was Inevitable

One of my best friends from college is having a baby in June and her baby shower is in three weeks. I've gone back and forth about whether or not I should attend. On one hand, I fear a Charlotte-like scene from that Sex and the City episode where she breaks down at her friend's baby shower. On the other hand, what is much more likely is I'll go, plaster on a smile, coo at the baby clothes and my friend's beautiful belly--and come home and cry for two days straight. She knows about the miscarriages; in fact, we got pregnant at the same time in September, she for the first time and I for the second, and had already made plans for our lives together as new mothers. So maybe I should just tell her the truth: that I can't do it. I don't need my grief and failure slapped in my face right now. I really, really, really don't want to be there. I hope she will understand.

Diagnosis, Maybe

Yeah, so I wasn't pregnant last cycle. After several frustrated calls to the nurse ("No, the Prometrium won't interfere with your period," then, "Stop the Prometrium when you get your period," then, "How late are you? Well, yes, the Prometrium can make your period late," to, "Three days late, no positive pregnancy test, no period? Stop the Prometrium, it must be keeping your body from bleeding.") I felt incredibly discouraged at best, downright deceived at worst. I hate the Prometrium for tricking my body into thinking it was pregnant when it wasn't. My Easter was horrible, crying during church and the whole works.

But after a few days of being really, really disappointed, I bounced back again, and this time seemingly higher than I've been since before the second miscarriage. The sonohystogram yesterday revealed a bicornuate uterus, which my doctor said could possibly have contributed to my miscarriages, but wasn't anything I should worry about. Of course I googled it and found terrifying post after terrifying post about bicornuate uteruses (uteri?) and miscarriage. But I'm going to trust my doctor and hope that she knows what she's talking about when she told me not to worry. Maybe mine is really, really mild.

Anyway, on the plus side the ultrasound also revealed a perfect follicle at 25mm, ready to burst imminently. "Go home and have sex NOW!" was my doctor's prescription. I already knew I was ovulating; that has never been in question. But it's early this month, and I actually hadn't even started my ovulation testing. So I would have missed it this month were it not for the ultrasound! Starting popping the Prometrium last night. We'll see how it goes.

1 Day To Go

Day 4 on the Prometrium, 13 dpo ("days past ovulation," I've learned, as a bonafide member of the infertility/recurrent miscarriage club). No spotting yet, which makes me hopeful...every other cycle since my second miscarriage in October has started with 2-5 days of spotting before I get my actual period. And my actual period has never been a day later than the perfect 28 day cycle...which would mean that tomorrow I should get my period. But I haven't had any spotting at all...so what does that mean? Is the Prometrium keeping the spotting at bay, even if I haven't conceived? Or does the lack of spotting mean that maybe I actually have conceived and I won't get a period tomorrow? I'm trying SO hard to be relaxed and all zen about the whole thing, but I've experienced enough disappointment to almost come to expect it. I know that conceiving is only the first step, and that that isn't even where I've had my problems in the past. But that's what I'm focusing on now, and hoping that all my praying and hoping (and the Prometrium) will help me stay pregnant this time.

Bring On The Progesterone Supplements

So my progesterone level (levels?) on Friday, Day 21, were 11.1. The doctor called me today with this information, and said that while that falls within the normal range, it is on the low end of normal. She said she likes to see 15 or higher. Which I don't totally understand, since google searching has suggested that anything between 10 and 20 is normal. But believe me, I'm not about to argue if she sees something that might possibly be contributing to my miscarriages. And either way, 11.1 is at the low end. So she is prescribing progesterone supplements for me to take, starting tonight. She said there isn't any statistical evidence to show that progesterone supplements actually do work, but that it won't hurt. Is it just me, or does there seem to be a serious lack of research in the medical field regarding miscarriages? I've spent the last 9 months trying to figure out what could possibly be going on, and all that I've discovered is that diagnosing cause of miscarriage is nothing but a series of shots in the dark. Why isn't there more research being done???????

FINALLY, some progress

I am so exhausted from catharsis that I can hardly type this. I finally, finally decided I couldn't live with this stress level anymore and made an appointment with a doctor to plead my case for some testing following my two miscarriages. No pleading necessary, fortunately. She took a look at my detailed chart of my past three cycles and ordered a progesterone test and a sonohystogram. I've heard the ultrasound can be a little painful, but at this point if they told me they had to cut off my leg in order to start determining why I've been miscarrying, I wouldn't hesitate to allow it.

Today, I Can Breathe

I feel good today. Maybe it's the gorgeous, sunny spring weather promising yet another new beginning. Or maybe it's just because I have that doctor's appointment in just four days; the one where I'll find out if maybe, just maybe I can have my progesterone levels tested. I have no idea if that's what's been causing my miscarriages, but I feel like I have reason to check it out. My mom, a nurse, agreed that, given the last three cycles that I've carefully charted, a doctor could reasonably come to the conclusion that a progesterone test would at least not be a total waste of time. We'll see...

I Feel Better For Being Proactive

My newest theory as to why I have miscarried twice is that I have a luteal phase defect. I've been charting my ovulation for the past three months, and the number of days between ovulation and menstruation have been between 8 and 11. This seems short, based on everything that I've read (and I have read obsessively!). So I made an appointment with my doctor for next Tuesday, hoping that she will come to same conclusion when she looks at my cycles that I've so carefully charted with a spreadsheet. If she doesn't, I am definitely not above the old, "I'm not a doctor, but...have you considered this?" I'm sure it's annoying for doctors when patients come in having self-diagnosed, but seriously, doctors can't know everything. And if I don't advocate for myself, I don't see who else will. I just want to make sure I've done everything I possibly can do--I can't think of anything worse than having a third miscarriage that could have been prevented had I been a bit more aggressive in trying to figure out what's going on.